Argthtjtr

If your primary goal here is to avoid burning bridges, then I think this is one of the rare situations where you should probably admit you're planning to leave. Yes, you might get burned for it (ie: let go before you wanted to leave) but at least in that case, it's not you who's burning bridges.

Lying when your boss already has solid reason to suspect you're leaving might stave off reprisals for now, but when you do leave in six months, your manager will certainly be disappointed that you weren't up front with him. Nothing burns a bridge faster than lying and then turning around and doing exactly what you said you wouldn't do.

Be honest, not only about the fact that you're leaving, but also about the timeline. Let them know there's no danger of you disappearing earlier than you intend to, and that you fully intend to do your job until that time. Offer to help them find a replacement and help them get up to speed, if they like; and then do so, if they take you up on it.

If the worst happens and you end up getting booted early, you do have a signed contract with your new employer. So, contact them and tell them you've unexpectedly got some free time before your start date (although make it clear that you have other commitments that prevent you from relocating early.) Ask them if there's anything you can do, remotely, to prepare for your new role. If you're actually able to work remotely, you might even be able to negotiate an earlier start date to narrow the gap where you aren't getting paid, until you move.

Be upfront about it.

Offering a slightly different angle: I wouldn't worry about getting fired early if you are are upfront about it. I hear this argument a lot, but personally I haven't seen a single case where that has actually happened (in a decent work relationship).

In contrast, I have seen multiple cases, where the departure was announced early, and where it worked great: Work got finished, roles where reshuffled, knowledge got transferred and there was a great good bye party.

Most managers will appreciate openness and honesty, since it makes life easier for everyone. They can start looking for a replacement and structure an organized transition and hand-off, which is much easier than the usual 2-week panic mode. They can also tweak your assignments to fizzle out at your departure date and avoid having you in a critical role on a hot project on the day you hand in your notice.

Sure, you probably won't get any high profile assignments or promotions, but, then again, your career there is over, so that's actually better for you as well.

Managers are also not stupid: Being evasive doesn't really help. In the absence of real information, the manager has no choice but to assume that you are on your way out. It might actually increase the risk of getting fired early, since the manager has to assume a time line, if you don't give them one. Overall, it just makes things more awkward and fuzzy without helping

Lying is a sure fire way to burn bridges, so don't do that.

As A general rule, I advise people not to give more notice than they can afford to go without a salary.

You're in a bit of a bind now, as your wife has already left, and the whispernet has caught up to you.

If you have a 1 on 1 with your manager, you've got three options

1. Be direct


2. Be Evasive


3. Lie

I would not advise #3

If you have an excellent relationship with your manager, and can afford to sit back for six months without a salary, just be upfront, and offer to train your replacement.

If you're uncertain about how much support you will get from your manager, be a bit vague, but not so much as to seem evasive.

Honestly, I don't see myself leaving in the near future.

or

If I do come to the decision to move on, I promise to give you plenty of notice, more than the standard 2 weeks. I wouldn't just up and leave without giving you plenty of time.

Be prepared though. They may draw the right conclusions and just get rid of you at any time now.

If you get that general feeling from your boss, move immediately to negotiating enough time to transition your job to someone else. 6 months should do it, right? ;)

It's important that you do this as professionally as possible, as reputation follows you. You never know who you might end up working for.

As long as you've got a cordial/pleasant relationship with your boss, and as long as your position is somewhat skill based? Go ahead and tell him!

Replacing a high-level employee usually takes time - months or even years of it. And getting that employee trained in a new job takes even longer. Unless your company is the type that, once you announce you're leaving, immediately escorts you out of the building, you're probably just giving your boss an opportunity to find someone and give you ample time to train them up before you leave.

If it helps, think of it this way: what happens when people announce retirements at your company? I doubt the company quickly finds a replacement and then fires the person before their final intended day of employment.

The fact that you are asking the question implies that you think your boss will take this badly. You can't control that. If your manager takes this personally, that's unfortunate, but your plans should not change to accommodate his/her perceived insult. Professionals recognize that family situations change and that good people sometimes leave. Is this coming as a complete surprise to the company, or has it been common knowledge that you and your wife have been looking to move to your new state?

I would suggest that you be up front and honest about your leaving. At this point, as your boss is aware you are leaving, there is no point trying to avoid the topic.
Steer the discussion into the reason why you are leaving: you are not dissatisfied with the job, but your spouse has found a new opportunity, you are a team, and you want to support her in her career goals as she supports you in yours. She is going on ahead first to get settled and begin her new position, while you stay behind to meet your obligations here, but yes, you intend to follow her in 4-6 months' time.

Starting from that perspective, now the ball is in your manager's court. You are already at a disadvantage that the news has come to your boss through the grapevine rather than directly from you; he/she might interpret that you were not going to let them know, or give little notice, or they might accept that you were going to let them know at the proper time. (Your opinion and their opinion of "proper" may differ here).

Will he/she accept the news gratefully, or will they get upset that you didn't let them know sooner? At this point it makes little difference, because you are planning on leaving anyway. The best possible outcome of your meeting is that your manager is excited and supportive about your new opportunity, while working out a plan that the two of you can execute to make the transition smooth for your team. If you can steer it that way, great. If not, do not let them bully you into feeling guilty for taking care of your family.

I would say that you are not planning to leave in the near future (this is true).

The reason for saying this is beacause that if your spouses job does not work out (this is a possibility), then you might not be leaving in 6 months time.

I find it unusual that you would not be in a situation where you can easily tell the manager about this change in life circumstances. I have worked in tech for decades and the norm is that staff churn fairly rapidly and management nearly always encourage career development whatever the direction.

Nevertheless in addition to all the other answers advocating openness I would recommend one further option: Use the conversation
To negotiate a well paid remote development contract. You have 6 months to convince them. The other job offer can be discarded.

I don't think you have any choice but to tell the truth, but you can still buy yourself some breathing room.

If your spouse has moved to a different state, then it stands to reason that (unless you both have publicly shown the desire to split up) you will follow at some point. For this reason alone, you cannot lie and say you'd stay.

But you can still evade the hard lines. If he asks "are you leaving, if so when?", you can reply that your wife and you are still not sure if the move will work out and that you'd have to wait and see how things move forward before knowing the outcome for sure. "It's a big change for the both of us..."

"Regardless", you'd say, "I promise you'd be the 1st to know in the event we decide to make our new arrangements permanent. Furthermore, I will provide you with plenty of notice to allow for the hire/training of my replacement."

If he doesn't complain or find your position weak, then thank him for being understanding and move on.

My two cents.

My answer will not be of much use now, but if you had anticipated the situation before your wife made her move, you could have purchased a supplementary job loss insurance (or "income insurance"). Most insurance companies require you to apply to the policy some 6 months before you're laid off, that's why the anticipation would have been important. Such policies have their own caps, but payments are typically much higher than the state unemployment coverage.

Having an income insurance, there's no problem telling your boss about your intentions to leave.