A better way of formulating a sentence [on hold]
0
I am not a native English speaker and would like a better (more articulate maybe?) way of formulating the following sentence:
Two days after receiving my Master’s diploma in Electrical Engineering
from XYZ University at the commencement ceremony, I came across ...
Or
Two days after being handed my Master’s diploma at the commencement
ceremony, I came across ...
word-choice writing-style
asked Jan 3 at 22:54
Lod
12
put on hold as off-topic by Andrew Leach♦ Jan 3 at 22:56
This question appears to be off-topic. The users who voted to close gave this specific reason:
- "Proofreading questions are off-topic unless a specific source of concern in the text is clearly identified." – Andrew Leach
If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.
add a comment |
0
I am not a native English speaker and would like a better (more articulate maybe?) way of formulating the following sentence:
Two days after receiving my Master’s diploma in Electrical Engineering
from XYZ University at the commencement ceremony, I came across ...
Or
Two days after being handed my Master’s diploma at the commencement
ceremony, I came across ...
word-choice writing-style
asked Jan 3 at 22:54
Lod
12
put on hold as off-topic by Andrew Leach♦ Jan 3 at 22:56
This question appears to be off-topic. The users who voted to close gave this specific reason:
- "Proofreading questions are off-topic unless a specific source of concern in the text is clearly identified." – Andrew Leach
If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.
There's too much information for that to be an opening phrase: what follows should be more important, and the opening phrase should only be an introduction. You could easily omit any one or more of the parts, Master's, diploma, electrical engineering, XYZ University, at the commencement ceremony, and it would still be an introduction, and more succinct. However, please note that this does count as proofreading.
– Andrew Leach♦
Jan 3 at 23:00
@AndrewLeach Thank you for your comment. I am new to the site and I did not know proofreading questions are not welcomed here.
– Lod
Jan 3 at 23:16
I'd leave out "at the commencement ceremony" and instead of Master's Diploma, I'd put in the exact degree e.g., M.S. or M.Eng. or whatever -- unless at your school Master's Diploma is the exact name of the degree. It is hard to be more helpful when we don't know what you came across.
– ab2
Jan 4 at 0:14
@ab2 It is an opening for a cover letter. I wanted to stand out and ended up with "Two days after being handed my M.Sc. diploma at the commencement ceremony, I came across your job posting ..."
– Lod
Jan 4 at 0:18
Seems fine to me.
– ab2
Jan 4 at 0:24
add a comment |
0
0
0
I am not a native English speaker and would like a better (more articulate maybe?) way of formulating the following sentence:
Two days after receiving my Master’s diploma in Electrical Engineering
from XYZ University at the commencement ceremony, I came across ...
Or
Two days after being handed my Master’s diploma at the commencement
ceremony, I came across ...
word-choice writing-style
asked Jan 3 at 22:54
Lod
12
I am not a native English speaker and would like a better (more articulate maybe?) way of formulating the following sentence:
Two days after receiving my Master’s diploma in Electrical Engineering
from XYZ University at the commencement ceremony, I came across ...
Or
Two days after being handed my Master’s diploma at the commencement
ceremony, I came across ...
word-choice writing-style
word-choice writing-style
asked Jan 3 at 22:54
Lod
12
asked Jan 3 at 22:54
Lod
12
edited Jan 3 at 23:13
asked Jan 3 at 22:54
Lod
12
asked Jan 3 at 22:54
Lod
12
asked Jan 3 at 22:54
Lod
12
12
put on hold as off-topic by Andrew Leach♦ Jan 3 at 22:56
This question appears to be off-topic. The users who voted to close gave this specific reason:
- "Proofreading questions are off-topic unless a specific source of concern in the text is clearly identified." – Andrew Leach
If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.
put on hold as off-topic by Andrew Leach♦ Jan 3 at 22:56
This question appears to be off-topic. The users who voted to close gave this specific reason:
- "Proofreading questions are off-topic unless a specific source of concern in the text is clearly identified." – Andrew Leach
If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.
There's too much information for that to be an opening phrase: what follows should be more important, and the opening phrase should only be an introduction. You could easily omit any one or more of the parts, Master's, diploma, electrical engineering, XYZ University, at the commencement ceremony, and it would still be an introduction, and more succinct. However, please note that this does count as proofreading.
– Andrew Leach♦
Jan 3 at 23:00
@AndrewLeach Thank you for your comment. I am new to the site and I did not know proofreading questions are not welcomed here.
– Lod
Jan 3 at 23:16
I'd leave out "at the commencement ceremony" and instead of Master's Diploma, I'd put in the exact degree e.g., M.S. or M.Eng. or whatever -- unless at your school Master's Diploma is the exact name of the degree. It is hard to be more helpful when we don't know what you came across.
– ab2
Jan 4 at 0:14
@ab2 It is an opening for a cover letter. I wanted to stand out and ended up with "Two days after being handed my M.Sc. diploma at the commencement ceremony, I came across your job posting ..."
– Lod
Jan 4 at 0:18
Seems fine to me.
– ab2
Jan 4 at 0:24
add a comment |
There's too much information for that to be an opening phrase: what follows should be more important, and the opening phrase should only be an introduction. You could easily omit any one or more of the parts, Master's, diploma, electrical engineering, XYZ University, at the commencement ceremony, and it would still be an introduction, and more succinct. However, please note that this does count as proofreading.
– Andrew Leach♦
Jan 3 at 23:00
@AndrewLeach Thank you for your comment. I am new to the site and I did not know proofreading questions are not welcomed here.
– Lod
Jan 3 at 23:16
I'd leave out "at the commencement ceremony" and instead of Master's Diploma, I'd put in the exact degree e.g., M.S. or M.Eng. or whatever -- unless at your school Master's Diploma is the exact name of the degree. It is hard to be more helpful when we don't know what you came across.
– ab2
Jan 4 at 0:14
@ab2 It is an opening for a cover letter. I wanted to stand out and ended up with "Two days after being handed my M.Sc. diploma at the commencement ceremony, I came across your job posting ..."
– Lod
Jan 4 at 0:18
Seems fine to me.
– ab2
Jan 4 at 0:24
There's too much information for that to be an opening phrase: what follows should be more important, and the opening phrase should only be an introduction. You could easily omit any one or more of the parts, Master's, diploma, electrical engineering, XYZ University, at the commencement ceremony, and it would still be an introduction, and more succinct. However, please note that this does count as proofreading.
– Andrew Leach♦
Jan 3 at 23:00
There's too much information for that to be an opening phrase: what follows should be more important, and the opening phrase should only be an introduction. You could easily omit any one or more of the parts, Master's, diploma, electrical engineering, XYZ University, at the commencement ceremony, and it would still be an introduction, and more succinct. However, please note that this does count as proofreading.
– Andrew Leach♦
Jan 3 at 23:00
@AndrewLeach Thank you for your comment. I am new to the site and I did not know proofreading questions are not welcomed here.
– Lod
Jan 3 at 23:16
@AndrewLeach Thank you for your comment. I am new to the site and I did not know proofreading questions are not welcomed here.
– Lod
Jan 3 at 23:16
I'd leave out "at the commencement ceremony" and instead of Master's Diploma, I'd put in the exact degree e.g., M.S. or M.Eng. or whatever -- unless at your school Master's Diploma is the exact name of the degree. It is hard to be more helpful when we don't know what you came across.
– ab2
Jan 4 at 0:14
I'd leave out "at the commencement ceremony" and instead of Master's Diploma, I'd put in the exact degree e.g., M.S. or M.Eng. or whatever -- unless at your school Master's Diploma is the exact name of the degree. It is hard to be more helpful when we don't know what you came across.
– ab2
Jan 4 at 0:14
@ab2 It is an opening for a cover letter. I wanted to stand out and ended up with "Two days after being handed my M.Sc. diploma at the commencement ceremony, I came across your job posting ..."
– Lod
Jan 4 at 0:18
@ab2 It is an opening for a cover letter. I wanted to stand out and ended up with "Two days after being handed my M.Sc. diploma at the commencement ceremony, I came across your job posting ..."
– Lod
Jan 4 at 0:18
Seems fine to me.
– ab2
Jan 4 at 0:24
Seems fine to me.
– ab2
Jan 4 at 0:24
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There's too much information for that to be an opening phrase: what follows should be more important, and the opening phrase should only be an introduction. You could easily omit any one or more of the parts, Master's, diploma, electrical engineering, XYZ University, at the commencement ceremony, and it would still be an introduction, and more succinct. However, please note that this does count as proofreading.
– Andrew Leach♦
Jan 3 at 23:00
@AndrewLeach Thank you for your comment. I am new to the site and I did not know proofreading questions are not welcomed here.
– Lod
Jan 3 at 23:16
I'd leave out "at the commencement ceremony" and instead of Master's Diploma, I'd put in the exact degree e.g., M.S. or M.Eng. or whatever -- unless at your school Master's Diploma is the exact name of the degree. It is hard to be more helpful when we don't know what you came across.
– ab2
Jan 4 at 0:14
@ab2 It is an opening for a cover letter. I wanted to stand out and ended up with "Two days after being handed my M.Sc. diploma at the commencement ceremony, I came across your job posting ..."
– Lod
Jan 4 at 0:18
Seems fine to me.
– ab2
Jan 4 at 0:24