A better way of formulating a sentence [on hold]

I am not a native English speaker and would like a better (more articulate maybe?) way of formulating the following sentence:

Two days after receiving my Master’s diploma in Electrical Engineering
from XYZ University at the commencement ceremony, I came across ...

Two days after being handed my Master’s diploma at the commencement
ceremony, I came across ...

edited Jan 3 at 23:13

asked Jan 3 at 22:54

Lod

put on hold as off-topic by Andrew Leach♦ Jan 3 at 22:56

This question appears to be off-topic. The users who voted to close gave this specific reason:

"Proofreading questions are off-topic unless a specific source of concern in the text is clearly identified." – Andrew Leach

If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

There's too much information for that to be an opening phrase: what follows should be more important, and the opening phrase should only be an introduction. You could easily omit any one or more of the parts, Master's, diploma, electrical engineering, XYZ University, at the commencement ceremony, and it would still be an introduction, and more succinct. However, please note that this does count as proofreading.
– Andrew Leach♦
Jan 3 at 23:00

@AndrewLeach Thank you for your comment. I am new to the site and I did not know proofreading questions are not welcomed here.
– Lod
Jan 3 at 23:16

I'd leave out "at the commencement ceremony" and instead of Master's Diploma, I'd put in the exact degree e.g., M.S. or M.Eng. or whatever -- unless at your school Master's Diploma is the exact name of the degree. It is hard to be more helpful when we don't know what you came across.
– ab2
Jan 4 at 0:14

@ab2 It is an opening for a cover letter. I wanted to stand out and ended up with "Two days after being handed my M.Sc. diploma at the commencement ceremony, I came across your job posting ..."
– Lod
Jan 4 at 0:18

Seems fine to me.
– ab2
Jan 4 at 0:24

add a comment |

I am not a native English speaker and would like a better (more articulate maybe?) way of formulating the following sentence:

Two days after receiving my Master’s diploma in Electrical Engineering
from XYZ University at the commencement ceremony, I came across ...

Two days after being handed my Master’s diploma at the commencement
ceremony, I came across ...

edited Jan 3 at 23:13

asked Jan 3 at 22:54

Lod

put on hold as off-topic by Andrew Leach♦ Jan 3 at 22:56

This question appears to be off-topic. The users who voted to close gave this specific reason:

"Proofreading questions are off-topic unless a specific source of concern in the text is clearly identified." – Andrew Leach

If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

There's too much information for that to be an opening phrase: what follows should be more important, and the opening phrase should only be an introduction. You could easily omit any one or more of the parts, Master's, diploma, electrical engineering, XYZ University, at the commencement ceremony, and it would still be an introduction, and more succinct. However, please note that this does count as proofreading.
– Andrew Leach♦
Jan 3 at 23:00

@AndrewLeach Thank you for your comment. I am new to the site and I did not know proofreading questions are not welcomed here.
– Lod
Jan 3 at 23:16

I'd leave out "at the commencement ceremony" and instead of Master's Diploma, I'd put in the exact degree e.g., M.S. or M.Eng. or whatever -- unless at your school Master's Diploma is the exact name of the degree. It is hard to be more helpful when we don't know what you came across.
– ab2
Jan 4 at 0:14

@ab2 It is an opening for a cover letter. I wanted to stand out and ended up with "Two days after being handed my M.Sc. diploma at the commencement ceremony, I came across your job posting ..."
– Lod
Jan 4 at 0:18

Seems fine to me.
– ab2
Jan 4 at 0:24

add a comment |

I am not a native English speaker and would like a better (more articulate maybe?) way of formulating the following sentence:

Two days after receiving my Master’s diploma in Electrical Engineering
from XYZ University at the commencement ceremony, I came across ...

Two days after being handed my Master’s diploma at the commencement
ceremony, I came across ...

edited Jan 3 at 23:13

asked Jan 3 at 22:54

Lod

I am not a native English speaker and would like a better (more articulate maybe?) way of formulating the following sentence:

Two days after receiving my Master’s diploma in Electrical Engineering
from XYZ University at the commencement ceremony, I came across ...

Two days after being handed my Master’s diploma at the commencement
ceremony, I came across ...

word-choice writing-style

edited Jan 3 at 23:13

asked Jan 3 at 22:54

Lod

edited Jan 3 at 23:13

asked Jan 3 at 22:54

Lod

edited Jan 3 at 23:13

asked Jan 3 at 22:54

Lod

asked Jan 3 at 22:54

Lod

asked Jan 3 at 22:54

Lod

put on hold as off-topic by Andrew Leach♦ Jan 3 at 22:56

This question appears to be off-topic. The users who voted to close gave this specific reason:

"Proofreading questions are off-topic unless a specific source of concern in the text is clearly identified." – Andrew Leach

If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

put on hold as off-topic by Andrew Leach♦ Jan 3 at 22:56

This question appears to be off-topic. The users who voted to close gave this specific reason:

"Proofreading questions are off-topic unless a specific source of concern in the text is clearly identified." – Andrew Leach

If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

There's too much information for that to be an opening phrase: what follows should be more important, and the opening phrase should only be an introduction. You could easily omit any one or more of the parts, Master's, diploma, electrical engineering, XYZ University, at the commencement ceremony, and it would still be an introduction, and more succinct. However, please note that this does count as proofreading.
– Andrew Leach♦
Jan 3 at 23:00

@AndrewLeach Thank you for your comment. I am new to the site and I did not know proofreading questions are not welcomed here.
– Lod
Jan 3 at 23:16

I'd leave out "at the commencement ceremony" and instead of Master's Diploma, I'd put in the exact degree e.g., M.S. or M.Eng. or whatever -- unless at your school Master's Diploma is the exact name of the degree. It is hard to be more helpful when we don't know what you came across.
– ab2
Jan 4 at 0:14

@ab2 It is an opening for a cover letter. I wanted to stand out and ended up with "Two days after being handed my M.Sc. diploma at the commencement ceremony, I came across your job posting ..."
– Lod
Jan 4 at 0:18

Seems fine to me.
– ab2
Jan 4 at 0:24

add a comment |

There's too much information for that to be an opening phrase: what follows should be more important, and the opening phrase should only be an introduction. You could easily omit any one or more of the parts, Master's, diploma, electrical engineering, XYZ University, at the commencement ceremony, and it would still be an introduction, and more succinct. However, please note that this does count as proofreading.
– Andrew Leach♦
Jan 3 at 23:00

@AndrewLeach Thank you for your comment. I am new to the site and I did not know proofreading questions are not welcomed here.
– Lod
Jan 3 at 23:16

I'd leave out "at the commencement ceremony" and instead of Master's Diploma, I'd put in the exact degree e.g., M.S. or M.Eng. or whatever -- unless at your school Master's Diploma is the exact name of the degree. It is hard to be more helpful when we don't know what you came across.
– ab2
Jan 4 at 0:14

@ab2 It is an opening for a cover letter. I wanted to stand out and ended up with "Two days after being handed my M.Sc. diploma at the commencement ceremony, I came across your job posting ..."
– Lod
Jan 4 at 0:18

Seems fine to me.
– ab2
Jan 4 at 0:24

There's too much information for that to be an opening phrase: what follows should be more important, and the opening phrase should only be an introduction. You could easily omit any one or more of the parts, Master's, diploma, electrical engineering, XYZ University, at the commencement ceremony, and it would still be an introduction, and more succinct. However, please note that this does count as proofreading.
– Andrew Leach♦
Jan 3 at 23:00

@AndrewLeach Thank you for your comment. I am new to the site and I did not know proofreading questions are not welcomed here.
– Lod
Jan 3 at 23:16

I'd leave out "at the commencement ceremony" and instead of Master's Diploma, I'd put in the exact degree e.g., M.S. or M.Eng. or whatever -- unless at your school Master's Diploma is the exact name of the degree. It is hard to be more helpful when we don't know what you came across.
– ab2
Jan 4 at 0:14

@ab2 It is an opening for a cover letter. I wanted to stand out and ended up with "Two days after being handed my M.Sc. diploma at the commencement ceremony, I came across your job posting ..."
– Lod
Jan 4 at 0:18

Seems fine to me.
– ab2
Jan 4 at 0:24

add a comment |

0

active

oldest

votes

0

active

oldest

votes

0

active

oldest

votes

This page is only for reference, If you need detailed information, please check here

搜尋此網誌

Argthtjtr